How to stop a fight before it begins
If you read the last article, youâve now successfully started a scary conversation in a simple, less confrontational way. (If you missed that email, you can find it here on our blog.)
It would be great if the conflict ended there. Unfortunately, you still have to have the conversation đ.
LuckilyâŚyouâre about to learn how to make that, too, an easy task. The second Boss Battle of Difficult Conversations is on starting the conversation.
Our favorite relationship conflict researchers, John and Julie Gottman, say that the resolution of nearly all difficult conversations is determined in the first 90 seconds of talk. They call this the difference between a harsh start-up and a soft start-up.
The Gottmans are able to predict whether or not couples will divorce within 6 years, based on just the first 3 minutes of a difficult conversation.* Couples who start with anger or blame are much more likely to end up separated later on.
To make a tough talk into an easy talk, start soft.
- Use an I statement.
- Describe what happened, but donât insert judgment or criticism.
- Be polite.
- Donât store things up and let one instance cause an explosion of all the times you didnât speak.
*https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/
Letâs look at some examples:
Harsh start-up: âHow could you have abandoned me at that party yesterday? It was embarrassing and inconsiderate.â
Soft start-up: âThere was a moment at the party the other day that really didnât feel good to me. Are you open to hearing me out about it?â
Harsh start-up: âWe need to talk about your substandard work performance.â
Soft start-up: âIâve noticed some dips in your work performance lately. Has something been going on?â
I know - sounds easier than it is. A soft start often requires planning, so you can speak the way you want to. Iâve attached a worksheet to this email to help you think through these crucial first 3 minutes.
The more prep work you do - making notes, discussing with a friend, screaming into a pillow - the better a conversation will go.
Check out the worksheet, or the full Art of Difficult Conversations course, for more support. And tune in next week for the next Boss BattleâŚnavigating reactivity.
To better fights,
Sara and Geof
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