A map for any tough talk

I used to come to difficult conversations with page-long lists of what to say.

I knew that, as soon as the conversation started, I would freeze up and lose my perspective. So, I had all my points prepared in advance. I held my papers (back when we still used those things) like a shield. 

As soon as the conversation deviated from that script, I was lost. I didn’t know how to adapt to my partner’s points - or their emotions. Usually, halfway through an argument, I would capitulate just to make it stop. Of course, that didn’t solve anything for the next time the issue came around.

Having my content prepared wasn’t enough. I needed a way to respond to the style of a conversation - the shifts and turns as it moved from one need to the next. 

That’s the core of what we’re covering in Boss Battle 4: Exploring the Issue.

Last week’s Conflict Toolkit gave you all the key moves of a difficult conversation - mirroring, validation, asking questions, and revealing your own experience. But which should you use, and when? 

Let me share one of my deepest nerdy loves with you - the Relating Languages.

The Relating Languages give us a map of conversational actions. At any time, you can switch to a different language if the one you’re using isn’t working.

• If you’re Storytelling about your own experience and the other person doesn’t want to hear it, switch to Questioning about theirs.

• If you’re Questioning and they give annoyed or evasive answers, Observe the pattern out loud and guess at what’s underneath.

• If you’re staying quiet or mirroring in Observing, and the other person is trying to poke you into a reaction, Storytell about what’s going on for you.

• If no tools are working, or it feels like the conversation is going in circles, Direct by making a request or (last resort) setting a boundary.

If you keep these four options in your head, you’ll never be lost for what to say in a conversation.

The Relating Languages are my favorite map and tools for both normal and difficult conversations. I’ve collected them into a conflict-specific mini-course here, so you can learn to love them the way I do!

Learn the Languages 

Tune in next week for the last Boss Battle: finding resolutions!

To better fights,
Sara and Geof