The Recovering Conflict Avoiders’ Club
You really don’t want to have this conversation.
You know you should. It’s been hanging over your head for weeks now: what you said, what they said, what both of you didn’t say. But how do you get yourself to start talking about it?
When I (Sara) was young, anytime I had to have a difficult conversation, I froze up. I spent time as an exchange student in Italy when I was 15, and I was so scared of talking with my host family about issues that I posted about my troubles on a social network, rather than talking with them directly.
Unfortunately, they were also on that network… pretty awkward way to start a conversation.
The first Boss Battle of Difficult Conversations is just getting yourself, and the other person, to the table.
The first step starts with self. These days - as a recovering conflict avoider - when I know I have to have a difficult conversation, I sit down and journal about it. I ask myself a couple important questions:
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What’s the situation, from my point of view?
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What do I not know?
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What do I want out of the conversation?
Second, I message my new conflict buddy and ask for a good time and space for THEM to meet. Conflicts often fail because we jump the person in the middle of a work day: “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” (Hint: it’s never a few minutes.)
As Geof says in our on-demand course,
“If a conversation matters, set it up like it does. That means finding the right time - not when they're in the middle of a task, running out the door, or about to crash from exhaustion. Give just enough context so they don't dread it, but also don’t try to resolve it over text. Frame it as a conversation, not a confrontation. No one likes feeling cornered.”
Here’s a good script:
Hey [name]. Would you be open to a conversation in [time frame, ex. “tonight” or “the next couple days” ]? I’d like to talk because [brief self-owned context, ex. “I’ve been feeling distant lately” or “some things about our finances have been worrying me” ]. I’d like to [goal, ex. “reconnect” or “get more clear on our plans” ].
What’s a good time for you?
Want to dive deeper into this context? You can get the first module of ADC on-demand for free. Check it out here!
To better fights,
Sara and Geof
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